Dear Future Self,
You might look back on this and wonder, ‘why the hell did you think this was a good idea?’ But do bear with your silly teenage self for a moment, because right now there’s just too much for me to think about, no one to talk to and I’m letting it all out the only way I know how. Besides, it’s not like anyone actually goes on this website.
Alright, where the hell to begin? IGs. Come to think about it, Future Self, I’d love to know how you survived this (assuming that you did), because right now, I don’t feel ready. Not even for trials. Econs is a goddamn mess. I don’t know what I’m doing. It feels like I’ve just completely lost my touch, but I’ve got no choice but to keep going since my parents are paying hundreds, maybe even thousands of ringgit just for me to take my exams.
I’m not sure how the other subjects will hold up, but right now, I feel anything but prepared, even though I’ve literally been preparing for this for two, three years already? Trials are in two months, and the actual exams in less than five or six. I don’t have time. Not anymore. I’m not sure how I’ll fare for university, even. With the world the way it is now, could anyone be sure of anything at this point?
It’s a new year, and a new decade. Brings to mind new opportunities, turning over a new leaf for a fresh start. Well, you might remember crashing right into 2020 sick as a dog and not really feeling up to anything on the days leading up to school starting. Also, speaking of school…
My crush has a girlfriend. Officially. And as much as I’d like to tell you I didn’t care and that it wouldn’t matter at all, I feel like something just cracked inside of me. It’s alright. I’m not heartbroken. It’s more like a teensy little crack in my heart. Not a full on break, that’d be insane. It’s not he was my boyfriend and he actually broke my heart.
I’m not going to cry about him. Honestly, of all the dumb things to cry about, boys are among the dumbest, hands down. Especially if it was just a crush. At least, that’s what I’ll tell myself as I steep in my own misery. Again.
You know, despite the fact he’s kind of an imbecile at times, I still think he’s worthwhile. Maybe not as a boyfriend, but a good friend. Or it could just be the infatuation talking, I dunno.
But more than anything right now, I wish I could talk to someone about this. Someone who wouldn’t judge me for liking a guy who has a girlfriend, or dismiss this as ‘puppy love’ and tell me that I’ll get over him soon enough. Someone who can reassure me that I’m not crazy, and no, he doesn’t hate me now, even though he pretty much ignored me after school. Of course, I could always talk to myself in my own room, but every single conversation would basically boil down to: in conclusion, you’re an idiot for having feelings. You might realise at this point you’re not the best at conversation.
I really just want someone to ask me how I am for once, so I don’t feel like I’m being annoying for dumping all my shit on them. Unfortunately, at this point in time, there’s really no one to talk to. I feel the urge to just shoot one of the girls a text and ask about him, and just have a whole conversation about the thing, but once again, I’d feel like I’m being annoying, and stuck up, and making everything about myself. If someone were to ask me how I was, that would at least be an invitation for me to dump all my shit.
That used to be Ash. I’m not sure how things are with you and them when you are, but things aren’t looking so great at the moment. We haven’t spoken in months, and usually I’d tell them everything and give them a full update on life, but now it just feels like we’re strangers who have each others’ phone numbers. To be perfectly frank with you, I really wouldn’t mind if they were to text me right now, announcing the end of our friendship. Sure, they’d be breaking their promise to never leave me, but at this point, that promise means about as much as a pocket of air for all it did.
So you can kind of see what the situation is here. I’m alone, and my main support systems are gone. Things aren’t looking good between me and the boy I like, whom I feel up till recently I’ve been making pretty good progress with. I feel more like an outsider than ever, even as I’ve tried to socialise. It seems everyone has no problem becoming closer as classmates and friends besides me.
And you know what, I think that’s about as much as I’m writing. It’s getting late, and this thing’s getting pretty darn long. Wherever, whenever you are, Future Self, I hope you’re doing okay. I mean, you might not be, but I can only hope. After all, it can only get better from here, right?
Sincerely,
Your Sixteen-Going-On-Seventeen Self