Well, you read the title.
I think this is definitely something I should go to a professional about, y’know, to get a formal diagnosis and everything. However, I’m too broke for a psychiatrist right now and the symptoms I looked up on Google line up more or less, so here goes nothing.
Every interaction is an algorithm-generated strategy designed to get the best possible reactions. All the way down to the last line of dialogue, which more likely than not that I’ve rehearsed several nights in advance, refining and tweaking until I find the opportunity to deploy it in conversation. If you’re starting to think the way I process social interactions is terribly robotic, it’s probably because it is. Which means any errors and slip-ups (I mean, I am still human, after all) feel like I’ve somehow failed or made a fool of myself, and I’ll probably spend a few more nights rummaging through alternative lines of dialogue or perhaps witty comebacks I could’ve used instead even though a) life’s not a video game where you can just replay a conversation over and over until you get it right and b) there’s a good chance no one even cares about that supposed ‘error’ that got brushed off by a more dominant voice at the table anyway.
If you think about it, seeking out people to spend time with should be the easiest thing in the world in this age of social media and instant messaging where all you have to do is get your grubby hands on a phone screen and type out a few simple words.
One small caveat, though. I can’t do it. I can’t even bring myself to say, “Hey, why don’t we hang out and kill some time between our classes?” Cause’ for some reason, my social anxiety has me thinking that’ll make me come off as clingy and desperate. Anything less than an open invitation means that social situation is closed off to me. Whenever I think to seek out my friends, I start to wonder:
Do they even want me there?
Why would they hang out with me, when they’ve got friends they know and like better, with more vibrant personalities that no amount my own ‘sparkling’ wit could ever compare to? Hell, it’s not like I’d be contributing much to the conversation. I’d feel like furniture, goddammit. Is there just something about me that puts people off? Is that why my friends always seem a bit too eager to tell me goodbye? So they don’t have to put up with me for a second longer than they have to? Am I just a convenience friend to them, you think? It’s not like we talk about very deep topics or anything. Does our friendship make sense anywhere else but the classroom, even?
“Oh hey, I guess I’m just coincidentally in the same place you mentioned you were gonna be literally two seconds ago!”
I seriously would rather do this than ask someone straight out if I could go with them. In my head, if I reach out first, I’ll come off as clingy and overly dependent on other people for my emotional needs, which would drive them away. If I don’t reach out, I’ll just look like I don’t care and that in turn will mean other people won’t care about me either. It’s a catch-22 with no winning scenarios for me.
Every mental health seminar I’ve been to gives the same advice: open up to people, talk to those you trust. Another caveat: what if I can’t? It’s not that I don’t trust the people around me at all, it’s more so what would happen if I did trust them with my mental health issues. I’d become a burden. They’d pat me on the back, say a few reassuring things and then I would conspicuously not receive any more invites.
Well, they definitely don’t want to be around you now that they’ve found out how miserable you are.
I don’t ever want to make people feel like they’re being used as my personal therapist, that’s for sure. At the same time, I also can’t keep pretending to be okay around people just so they don’t abandon me.
Don’t pity me, though. That’s the worst part. It’s my issue, my problem that I need to deal with by myself, and it’d be selfish to ask anyone else to act as an emotional crutch, especially if they’re doing it out of pity. Don’t ask me to hang out and talk to me because you pity me, do it because you genuinely like me and want me around. Do it because you’re my friend.
And that’s what friends are for, right?